Book Review - Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon

What possesses me to continue reading parenting books? What magic advice do I hope to find?
Whatever it might be, it won't be found in this book. PET promises:

Using the timeless methods of PET will have immediate results . . . you'll find PET a compassionate, effective way to instill responsibility and create a nurturing environment in which your child will thrive.

Note: The author is a recipient of the 2000 Lifetime Achievement Award from the California State Psychological Association. He's a Nobel Peace Prize nominee.

What should have been my first clue that this book was not for me?????????

The book tells us that parents' attitudes and methods leave much to be desired. Parents fall into two categories: too strict, and too lenient. But wait! There's another option! Give up your power struggle. When you have a conflict with your child (whether they are 3 or 30), it can be resolved by allowing the child to brainstorm several solutions. From there, parent and child work out a solution acceptable to both. Parents are not to show a united front during problem solving. One parent typically doesn't agree anyway and both should enter into problem solving as "free agents."

Simplify the job of "training parents"! Everybody wins! Parents and children "possess equal or relatively equal power"! After all, you wouldn't treat your friends this way. And who wants their kids mad at them? Parents are strongly advised to not pressure "kids to live by certain rules," and parents must accept what they cannot change. Parents can prevent conflicts by "modifying themselves." Schools would do well to adopt this attitude too, as "students are blatantly denied civil rights" and "due process of law" in the classroom.

The author even claims that PET develops reasoning skills in children so superior that he "would not be surprised if future research determines that children in (these homes) develop mental capacities superior to children in (homes not using the method)."

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To be fair, the book had some good ideas on how to be a better listener, how to actively listen to what your kids are trying to tell you, and to not be defensive as a parent and how to respond in a way that is less likely to put children on the defensive. It teaches you how to easily recognize that some problems are owned by the children, and must be handled by the children. Some problems are owned by the parent, which require the parent to handle. Since reading the book last week, I have found both of these points to be helpful, and I've noticed my kids responding more positively too.

But overall, this was an awful premise, one more encouragement for parents to pass on their responsibility to someone else--in this case, their children. I am saddened to think of the kids who are raised in this way. It's a great book to solve conflicts for roommates--but that's not the relationship I want to have with my kids. And it shouldn't be the relationship they want to have with me either.